Friday, August 15, 2008

For Will.

Don't worry, y'all, I'll probably post a comic later today. Just need to get this off my chest...

I thought that by the time most of my friends were in their mid-20s, early 30s, we would be over this. That I wouldn't have to deal with it.
But why should I have? It's still something I struggle with myself. No one else is any different, no matter how 'together' they seem to have things. We can put on our masks and I can laugh and joke over drinks about how shitty this year has been. And I may have forgotten all those months of putting matches out on my arms, putting razors to my wrists.
But it's still there. With adulthood, it morphs into other things. I still can't sleep without alcohol, can't breathe without cigarettes. Small deaths that leave no marks. I can't look at this face in the mirror every morning and think, this is a life worth living. I can't see what others see, no matter how many times I am told I am loved and amazing.
But that's the same thing they all did. I count myself lucky that only one of them succeeded.
So there is no room in my life for these thoughts anymore. If I can't keep living for myself, I will do it for the people I love and who love me.
Because I don't have time anymore for anyone who doesn't love me, including myself.

1 comment:

onlyembry said...

i have resulted to taking over the counter sleeping pills from walgreens and washing them down with boxed wine and breathing in cheap cigarettes. its really does remedy the summer shitters. oh, and if you flirt aimlessly with people on craigslist, you will find that your self esteem improves and realize that you really are a hottie. this is my system to a healthy emotional and physical life.